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August 3rd, 2005
I know it's been around a year and a half since I've last updated you on how my pack has been doing. Well, it's been a crazy time. The last time I left you, we were in total retreat. We lost many brave UNA'ers, and our supplies were running low. And to make the odds worse, there were a rumored 20,000 robotic Howies ("Aunt Becky's" nephew) on their way to the battle of Armageddon. Then when things possibly couldn't get any worse, Lt. Boberino and his squad of underpaid Mexicans wouldn't be able to make it to the battle in time.

We trudged silently to the battle. When we got finally there, all we saw was a wall of unstoppable fighting machines. In the first five minutes we lost 200 people alone. Realize we had only about 2000 men. I used one of our bubonic plague blasters and tried to hold off the opposition, but that didn't work.Then the never to be forgotten Col. Punky Bruster made a heroic move and blew himself up to take out a group of rabid Stamos soldiers. Nevertheless, in less than 10 minutes we were down to our last few soldiers. I was being surrounded by Howie's, doing whatever I could to save myself.....I coulda really used that water gun (thanks, Nurse Reed). I got a few in the Byzantine headlock, but there were too many. All of a sudden, the UNA had a great surprise for them, which we didn't know about, either: Over 10,000 over sized mice with their big teeth took after the Howies. Not too be outdone, over 10,000 Giant Blue Raincoat Ducks also chased after the Stamos soldiers. It was a hectic battle; parts flying everywhere, blue raincoats on fire. The battle lasted over 12 hours. Then, it was a stalemate. Finally Froka and his Mexicans got there, and they stunk the final Howies and Stamos' troops to death. What a Victory for our UNA. Thanks to Miss Minny Mouse (wife of the late Major Micki Mouse) and to Donald Duck, who said his orange juice was being threatened by Stamos, for sending this Calvary. This victory wasn't the end, but it sure turned things around. After that there were a few minor battles, and the battle of Tawakanawa, in which we struggled, but won. That was the last battle we had in a while. We have used this time to add new recruits and supplies. We feel well and expect to start on with the "Oust Olsen" offensive anytime now. I expect that the opposition is also using this time to regroup.

Our Scouter Binzathon Warchester has been following many of their top leaders and left us this info: He said that the last he knew of, John Stamos was stuck in a tree, and was shot for the fear that he was rabid. He is expected to be healed. The Olsen twins have been working on their career in animal porn, so as of now, they're no threat to us. The Rippers have been seen talking alot to the Japanese. The context of these meetings, we dont know. Also, it's been noted that Scott Weigner may have some key roles in the future.....No, just kidding. No one likes Scott; we just let him here to make him feel better.

Well that's it for Now...EXPECT alot more to come in the near future, plus I'll update you on our new recruits. Peace.

August 24th 2003:

Oh, has the war changed for the worse! Just when I thought we had the upper hand, something outside the enemy has been hurting us. Tribes and tribes of monkey cats have been attacking our limited supply of troops. They just look like innocent kitties, then they turn around and spit flaming needles at you. Not only do they attack us, they eat our weapons.. It’s a no win situation. They are very hard to kill. You must bite their eyes off and set them on fire. We’ve recently taken care of a good bit of this problem, but it still exists.

In war terms, we're doing fine for the trouble we’ve been facing. We won 2 major battles, Grey Nose Island and Precious City, losing very few men in the process. We also have had our own trouble with a couple battles. One in particular, The Battle of Guadalupe, was where we lost 200 troops, including Major Micki Mouse, our 9th in charge.

These next few weeks will be hard. With 3 more battles to take place, the battle of Armageddon will be the toughest. With them using all their troops, in their own territory, and all their weapons, it will be very tough, but we must take this town over soon, or we might not win this war.

In over news, Captain John Mckruit has had his 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th sons over the weekend, with his husband Mark Reed. Good night and God Bless...

P.S. This is a list of the nobles of the UNA who have died so far:
Richard Merrideth III
Sharon Valenti V
Tom Vantine-(all of these first three died in an accidental grenade blast involving Lt. Froka)
Bill Cogley
Tom letisdaveryiscomanowski
Mike "Bobcat" Jones
Alan Verduzco
Micki Mouse-9th in Charge
Charlie Rowley- Secretary

February 2nd, 2003:
* This was written during the battle of Dave Coullier’s pants, last week.*

All I can is that there is total destruction around me. As our men push on, the odds just seem to stack against us. For every gun we have, they have 2. It’s very hot over here in the UNA; my guess is 115 degrees. It wouldn't be so bad if we had some water, but some Pakistani Mongooses drank it all. The Opposition is Stamos' cloned little Stephanie's. Small, but they are very powerful and quick. Our soldiers are very under trained, but they're all we have. I have just called for a retreat, as we are all sitting under a coconut tree waiting for Captain McKruit and Lt. Boberino Froka. They have some more weapons, and hopefully water. Time is against us.....

It’s an hour later, and they still haven't arrived. Oh my God, here comes the Stephanie's. We're done for.......

Wait! Lt. Boberino just dropped our comet bombs (Comet from Full House, filled with clam chowder and nitrogen)! I must grab my gun and fight for the UNA!!!!!!.

We did it. They are all gone, but Stamos himself has escaped. But the main thing is that we won the battle, and Dave’s pants back. The importance of the pants is that with them, Stamos could have made clones of Dave to use against us. We lost many, but me, the Lt. and Captain are going to march with what we have left back to camp. Hopefully we make it..


* As I said, we lost many. Now we need your help, please!*